Soul Tension
We finally have our baby boy. He's home. With us. But it's also not that simple. Both of his birth parents signed their consents, but the first 30 days afterward is, by law, their revocation period. A time in which they can change their minds for any reason and take him back, no questions asked and no way to fight it. We prayed and prayed and prayed that this little boy would indeed be our son. So. Much. Tension. And let me just tell you, 30 days is a looong time. I had waited 10 years to become a mom; you would think I'd have learned how to wait. There are so many more facets to patience than I realized. But once again, the Lord provided all I needed. There's always room to learn to lean on God MORE.
Being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy. - Col. 1:11
Less than two weeks in, I had to face my first Mother's Day. Previously known as "the worst day of the year". I have mixed feelings about it now. Mostly because at that point nothing was certain. Am I really a mother? Like for real and always? I still didn't know. So Mother's Day was weird. I'm not quite sure how to describe what it was like. Tension again. I had been caring for this amazing baby boy for two weeks, but I still didn't really feel like a mom. Maybe it just hadn't set in yet. Or maybe I was still holding back my thoughts and suspending my emotions because I was terrified he'd be taken away. Both are probably likely.
But at the same time, I was loving each exhausted minute. It probably sounds weird to most people, but I had waited a long time to have the chance to be that tired. Then it hit me on my first day alone after my husband returned to work, that having forever to prepare for parenting still wasn't enough time. For whatever reason, at that time the enormity of the job became staggeringly apparent to my exhausted brain. I knew all I could do was pray that God would equip me by His Spirit and through His word.
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. - 2 Tim. 3:16-17
And then the 30 day revocation period was over. Just like that. We could breathe a sigh of relief. Although it was still possible for him to be taken away, it would be much more difficult and looking very unlikely. But it would still be at least 6 months before he was "officially" ours. We had to complete a few post-placement visits from our caseworker and wait for a court date to finalize the adoption.
From birth to adoption was a time of tension down to my soul. Soul deep tension. Yes, there was much joy. But until we had a legally finalized adoption, I couldn't fully rest and settle into my role as a mother. Superficial attachment was pretty much immediate. But that deep soul attachment that only exists between a mother and child? That was hard. I wondered if it would even be possible. No, I didn't have to deal with postpartum hormones, but I still dealt with many of the same struggles. It was still hard. A different kind of hard. I wanted to rest, in so many many ways.
5 months. That's how long it took before I could kiss my son on his sweet huge head and whisper "I love you". Oh I showed him plenty of love and attention. Lots of tickles and caresses and silly faces and baby talking. But somehow saying those three words out loud and showing such intimate affection was different. The deep tension was still there. I already loved him so much but I was still in unbelief that he was actually mine and terrified he'd somehow be taken away. I struggled to figure out how to make our time more meaningful once he started to interact more. If this was going to be my only chance to experience those first smiles, giggles, and other developmental milestones, I wanted to soak in every minute and figure out how to always remember them. But on some level I was still trying to keep my distance as well. I didn't want to be emotionally ripped to pieces again. Simultaneously drawing near and away. No rest, just tension.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. - James 1:2-4
This was such a good lesson for me. It was a very tangible way to experience the tension I needed to gain a deeper understanding of my redemption and to long more for its consummation. Having the first taste of joy in motherhood, like the firstfruits of the Spirit, but yet painfully waiting for it to be made sure and complete. My salvation is sure, but not yet complete. This is the tension my soul feels every day and will continue to feel every day for the rest of my life (and I imagine in a way even beyond). The key to peace and rest in that tension is faith and hope with patience. Knowing that God had a plan for me and this baby boy, trusting and waiting for Him to do it. The key to making a good use of that tension is obedience. Pray, ask, believe, serve, love. I needed that soul deep tension to remember the salvation and rest offered in Jesus and to give me assurance that I myself have indeed been irrevocably adopted as a daughter of God the Father Almighty, just as I hoped my son would be. By His Spirit I am able to wait in hope for all good things and do what is well pleasing in His sight until He comes again and my soul and body are made perfect.
But there is tension here and now. Like the Apostle Paul, wanting to do what is right and serve God on this earth, and yet continually running into sin and not doing the very things I want to do to please Him, doing instead the very things God hates (Rom 7). There is tension here and now in wanting to live my life for Him as the wife and mother I believe He has called me to be, and yet longing to be with Him, where He is, without sin (Phil. 1:21-23). But whenever that day comes (the Lord knows when), there will still be tension. Unless I live to see Him return. Because I will still be waiting and longing for the new heavens and the new earth and my new body. We are sojourners. There will always be tension. Until all things are redeemed and made new. It's a gift to constantly remind us of the heavenly things we should live for now.
For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. - Rom. 8:22-25
Anyone that knows Zachary knows what a smiley, joyful baby he was. His huge eyes, impressively chubby cheeks, and infectious laughter did indeed eventually melt the tension and reach down to my soul. Our adoption was finalized just days before Christmas that year. And I'm so very, very thankful that I now know the deep soul attachment of a mother's love for her child. He didn't come from my body, but that doesn't matter; we're irrevocably, deeply, attached in the soul. It helps me put into perspective the enormous sacrifice his birthmother made when she chose to place him with us. But even more, I see more clearly the sacrifice the Heavenly Father made when he sent his only Son to die for my very soul. And I continue to hope and pray for my son's soul as well.
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this that caused the Lord of bliss
to bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
to bear the dreadful curse for my soul!
When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
when I was sinking down, sinking down,
when I was sinking down beneath God’s righteous frown,
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul, for my soul,
Christ laid aside his crown for my soul.
To God and to the Lamb I will sing, I will sing;
to God and to the Lamb I will sing;
to God and to the Lamb, who is the great I AM,
while millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,
while millions join the theme, I will sing.
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
and when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on.
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing his love for me,
and through eternity I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on,
and through eternity I’ll sing on.
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