Motherhood and Adoption

There's a popular post that inevitably makes its rounds on social media around Mother's Day. You've probably seen it too. It usually starts with something like: "Calling ALL MOMS! Answer the questions about your first born. The one who made you a mom!" They're just fun questions all about the pregnancy and birth experience. I know it's just fun. But I think it's worth recognizing that it's not made for "all moms" despite what the intro says. I actually really dislike Mother's Day, well intentioned as the made-up holiday is. There are just so many intensely personal things surrounding the idea of motherhood that I don't see the need for universal celebration. There are so many reasons that might make Mother's Day hard. And now even as a mom, it's not worth it to me to add more "hard" to the lives of so many who struggle extra on mother's day to make it worth celebrating for myself.

Motherhood is not defined simply as "one who gives birth". I think most of us recognize that. Birth is just the beginning of what is endured and experienced in the grand path of motherhood. I understand that giving birth is a profoundly life-changing experience; it can change a woman in so many ways. But not ALL moms have given birth. And many who have given birth don't have babies to hold. Even though I can't answer most of those "mom" questions because I've never experienced giving birth, I'm still a mom. And my motherhood is no more or less real than others. But I'm not really after recognition or validation. I just think a little sensitivity can go a long way. What I'm really after is education. The world of adoption is so mysterious to so many people that it's not even on their radar. When they do encounter it they have no idea how to talk about it. So they don't. And it remains this taboo subject avoided at all costs. I want to try to start to change that.

So, if you're looking for ways to engage in conversation with adoptive moms on Mother's Day, don't make it about mother's day. Some questions you can ask an adoptive mom, particularly a new adoptive mom, might be: 

• Did you adopt domestically or internationally? 
• Did you adopt privately/independently or through foster care? 
• Did you use an agency - which one? 
• How old was your son/daughter when he/she was placed with you (or placed in your care)? 
• Do you have a closed or open adoption? What is that like?
• How was the transition? 
• How did you feel before, during, or after finalization? 
• Can you tell me more about your adoption process and the challenges you faced?
• How is your family doing with blending together?

Those are all questions I could answer. But, I know, my "becoming a mom" story is not how it's supposed to be. Sin has wreaked havoc on this world. One of the things sin brought into the world is sorrow. Part of the woman's punishment was pain and sorrow in childbearing. Yes, the pain of physical birth is multiplied. But Matthew Henry comments that this also includes all the pain and sorrow of everything that can now go wrong in childbearing and beyond. Infertility, miscarriages, birth defects, sicknesses and diseases just to name a few. Even as they grow: developmental delays, disobedience, discipline struggles, making poor choices. And that's saying nothing about our own mistakes and failings as mothers. Our sorrows are multiplied, and even more so when our sins are multiplied. Regardless of whether we've given birth or not, as women our sorrows are multiplied with our sin in childbearing and childrearing.

To the woman [God] said, "I will surely multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children." - Genesis 3:16a

As I've said, motherhood through adoption is not how it's supposed to be. But God has mercifully worked it into his beautiful creation which we have marred by sin. Motherhood through adoption can be peaceful, simple, and joyful, something to be celebrated. And yet also intensely painful, complicated, and sorrowful. ALL moms don't have a birth experience, but ALL moms do experience pain, sorrow, and other struggles connected to each child God has placed into her care, or that God has taken from her care. Amongst us moms, some struggles are the same. Some are completely different. Some are somewhere in the middle. But we ALL struggle at one time or another, ever since Eve took that bite.

But we don't have to divide in fear. Because God is still at work. Though His good discipline brought pain and sorrow and difficulty, God's grace and mercy abounds even more. Eve lived. She was able to bear children. She still got to experience the joy and happiness motherhood can bring. For many, many generations! What mercy! And even more, God promised that one day her offspring would defeat the great deceiver. By faith Eve bore children, and raised them to know and fear God, believing his promise for salvation through one of her offspring. Did all of her children love God? Nope. Do you think she wasn't anguished in her soul for the sin that infected her children and caused them to struggle or even willfully turn away from God and his way of salvation? I'd be willing to bet it tore her apart at times. Are you anguished for your children's souls? We must press on in faith. Trusting God is a loving Father. After all, we are HIS adopted children.

I (God) will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel. - Genesis 3:15

There are many paths to motherhood. Natural birth is just one of them. Adoption is just one of them. But there is only one path to salvation. By grace alone, through faith alone, in Jesus Christ alone. The One who was perfect and yet willingly bore our sins and laid down his life so that we might live in his righteousness. Repent and believe and you will be saved. So instead of birth experience questions, maybe the questions we should be asking each other on Mother's Day are more along the lines of:

• How are you doing with personal devotions?
• Are you teaching your children scripture?
• Are you committed to bringing your children to church?
• Are you using biblical discipline?
• Do your children love God? If not, why not?
• How can I support you in training your children in the path of life?

I do have to constantly fight feelings of inadequacy and not really belonging with the "real moms". I recognize we're not a "typical" family and in many ways I'm not a "typical" mother. But as I see it, God has given me the privilege of a unique perspective on motherhood. I want to change the stigma around motherhood through adoption to one stemming from God's amazing grace. Because, as I sit here while my children nap in their beds, thinking of all the extra battles they will face in life just because they're adopted, it is my job, as their MOM, to teach them what really matters (not just comparing our experiences to others). And as their MOM, with all of the grace given to me, I will prepare them to use our differences to live with greater kindness, dignity, respect, humility, grace, and love for all because of OUR adoption in Christ Jesus.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved. - Ephesians 1:3-6