Strength in Losing Control

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." - Proverbs 3:6

Since we obviously weren't the magically fertile couple I assumed we would be, after that year of trying we decided to seek a medical explanation. I underwent every infertility test known to man/woman. Some weren't so bad, some were truly horrible. Hysterosalpingogram anyone? Worst. Test. Ever. Anyway, we found out that I'm basically fine and the problem was with my husband.

We were given some holistic things to try but were basically told there was next to no chance we could get pregnant on our own. And that is where my dreams really started to unravel. What do you mean we can't? Why is this so hard for us and not for anyone else? I was confused, and frustrated, and devastated. Now what?

We needed to decide what direction to take from there. I felt helpless because the problem wasn't really with me and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was frustrated because nothing we tried worked (diet, exercise, certain foods, etc. etc.). Other people didn't have this problem (all of my friends and acquaintances were getting pregnant). Legit baby-boom at our church. Why us? Or rather, why NOT us?


I was apprehensive and nervous about our options. I didn't know how, or if, anything would work out. Everything was dark. I couldn't see the path ahead. During this dark time God started really revealing my sin to me. I thought and wanted ME to be in control, not to trust Him and His sovereignty. I thought and wanted MY strength to be sufficient, not to rely on His. When you're in a dark place it seems like seeing your own sin would just be adding salt to a wound. But in reality it served as a strong reminder of just how much I needed God and the lengths He went to in order to rescue me. He was there. Always.


Gradually, oh so gradually, and painfully, God showed me more about his sovereignty and how HE controls all things. One small example: That house we bought even though we weren't really ready for it? Turns out that the homeowners credit offered by the government at the time was the money we needed to begin the IVF process (more on that later). God was beginning to teach me to trust Him more, that He does know what he's doing, and that His strength is indeed sufficient.


I started praying and reading my Bible more and saw with new eyes how God orchestrated so many events in history in order to accomplish his purposes. If he could do all that throughout history, certainly he was able to orchestrate the events of my life to be for my ultimate good and His glory. And despite my circumstances, I felt better and stronger.


He showed me His wisdom, that His Law is good and right (Ps. 19:7-14). I married my husband for a reason and this wasn't his fault. It was God's plan, and it is my responsibility to uphold my vows and obey God's laws. God is the source of everything we need (spiritual, emotional, physical, financial). Every time I felt like I lacked something (strength, joy, peace...), God supplied my need. He knew exactly what I would need for the hardest lessons I had yet to learn.

 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

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