Barren and Blessed

There's a popular post that inevitably makes its rounds on social media around Mother's Day. You've probably seen it too. It usually starts with something like: "Calling ALL MOMS! Answer the questions about your first born. The one who made you a mom!" They're just fun questions all about the pregnancy and birth experience. I know it's just fun. But I think it's worth recognizing that it's not made for "all moms" despite what the intro says. I actually really dislike Mother's Day, well intentioned as the made-up holiday is. There are just so many intensely personal things surrounding the idea of motherhood that I don't see the need for universal celebration. There are so many reasons that might make Mother's Day hard. And now even as a mom, it's not worth it to me to add more "hard" to the lives of so many who struggle extra on mother's day to make it worth celebrating for myself. Motherhood is not defined ...

Now that the base story is told, it's time to move into some adoption talk. Starting with an intro to open adoption because I want everyone to know how amazing Zachary's birthmother is. It took me a long time to start sharing about our open adoption journey because sometimes it takes time to make complicated situations and relationships simple enough to share. But we're now 5 years in and I wouldn't have it any other way. Adoption stories can and will look immeasurably different for everyone. They're all hard because they're all a result of sin in the world. Some are straightforward. Some are messy. Some are tragic. Some are joyful. There's a whole spectrum of details in the relationships of open adoption. Any combination of pictures, letters, texts, phone calls, facetime, visits, direct contact, indirect contact, and more. Relationships can be anything from minimal and highly structured and guarded to babysitting and inviting each other over for family gath...

We finally have our baby boy. He's home. With us. But it's also not that simple.  Both of his birth parents signed their consents, but the first 30 days afterward is, by law, their revocation period. A time in which they can change their minds for any reason and take him back, no questions asked and no way to fight it. We prayed and prayed and prayed that this little boy would indeed be our son. So. Much. Tension.  And let me just tell you, 30 days is a looong time. I had waited 10 years to become a mom; you would think I'd have learned how to wait. There are so many more facets to patience than I realized. But once again, the Lord provided all I needed. There's always room to learn to lean on God MORE. Being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy. - Col. 1:11 Less than two weeks in, I had to face my first Mother's Day. Previously known as "the worst day of the year". I have mixed feelings abou...

For God, who said,  “Let light shine out of darkness,”  has shone in our hearts to give  the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. - 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 Giving up the illusion of control is hard. Actually admitting that I'm not in control and that I'm ok with that is even harder. The real power for my success (and failure) does not belong to me. Oof. Once we had everything squared away for our "special circumstances" and received my very expensive medications, the IVF process officially began. If you're not familiar with the long and complicated process, here's an abbreviated version. I did hormone shots for a month to produce multiple eggs then had the surgery to remove them (and for some unknown reason didn't get as many as they would normally expect). We used 2 fresh eggs for fertilization. I took more pills. They...