Adoption is a Choice
Now that the base story is told, it's time to move into some adoption talk. Starting with an intro to open adoption because I want everyone to know how amazing Zachary's birthmother is. It took me a long time to start sharing about our open adoption journey because sometimes it takes time to make complicated situations and relationships simple enough to share. But we're now 5 years in and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Adoption stories can and will look immeasurably different for everyone. They're all hard because they're all a result of sin in the world. Some are straightforward. Some are messy. Some are tragic. Some are joyful. There's a whole spectrum of details in the relationships of open adoption. Any combination of pictures, letters, texts, phone calls, facetime, visits, direct contact, indirect contact, and more. Relationships can be anything from minimal and highly structured and guarded to babysitting and inviting each other over for family gatherings, or anything in between. It's almost always complicated in one way or another. Sin created the need for adoption. Adoption was not part of the original good creation of God, but he has so beautifully woven it into the fabric of his world that its concept is at the very root of our redemption. Adoption is not an accident. It's a choice.
Can you see the resemblance in this picture? Her name is Debra, and she is Zachary's birthmom. She has had to work through some really difficult situations and make some seemingly impossible decisions. I'm sure much more than anyone (including me) realizes. But she has done so with great courage, strength, and dignity. Perfectly? I'm sure not. But I'm honored to know her and so proud of the young woman she has become through her own choices, both failures and successes, and by the grace of God. She chose adoption.
On the day pictured here, we had a lovely visit, preceded by some great texting conversations. As we prepared for this visit, all Zachary kept asking me was, "Will she pick me up?" I told him he'd just have to ask her! Wish granted. Zachary knows his story; we've been telling it to him (in age appropriate language) since he was old enough to understand our words. Here is the simplest version: "God had a plan for Zachary when you were growing in Debra's belly. She and Zeke loved you but they didn't think they were ready to take care of you, and she wanted to help somebody. So God helped her to find and pick mama and dada to take care of you instead. When you were born you came out of her belly and mama and dada adopted you. That means that we will always be your mama and dada and we promise to take care of you and love you forever."
Any time I mention to people that we have an open adoption, they look at me like I'm either nuts (perhaps some evidence here) or some sort of super saint (definitely some evidence to the contrary). And if they're really brave, questions and comments like, "Won't that just confuse Zachary?" Or "Isn't that awkward?" Or "I don't know how you do it." But the truth is, what might seem complicated and scary can actually be quite simple and beautiful. Zachary isn't confused at all. He knows exactly who he is and where he came from. He knows that many people love him unconditionally. He knows there are different kinds of love and all kinds of ways of showing it. By God's grace and providence we have all learned just how amazingly beautiful the love of adoption can be. Is it awkward? Sure, sometimes. But I spend a great deal of my life being awkward in "normal" situations, so just add it to the list. How do I do it? How do I ever manage to do anything? By the grace of God.
Adoption is beautiful and something to celebrate. Children are loved and cared for; they have found a family forever. Praise God! We are also children adopted into God's family. We are loved and cared for for eternity. Praise Him! Glorify Him! Celebrate your salvation through worship and obedient service to Him. But let's also not forget the tragedy that makes adoption in this world necessary. All different kinds of sins, both general and specific, are the reasons behind the need for adoption. Do families HAVE to adopt? No, but it's beautiful when they do. Many times the lives of the adopted children and their families, especially those with open adoptions, can be better than what they otherwise might have been (not always, that's another tragedy). God didn't HAVE to save us and give us an infinitely better eternal life with Him than the one in hell that we deserve. But he is a gracious, loving, and merciful God, so he did it, and at great cost. Adoption is not an accident. It's a beautiful, wonderful choice.
But let's always remember the cost of adoption. I'm not talking about the tens of thousands of dollars of your own hard earned money for an adoption in this world, although that is an unfortunate reality. I'm not talking about the privileges and experiences that birthfamilies have to give up, although that is also an unfortunate reality. I'm not even talking about the mental and emotional pain and struggles that everyone involved endures, again an unfortunate reality. These are high costs indeed. But still nothing compared to the price paid for your soul. I am talking about the death of God's own son, Jesus the Christ. Completely innocent of any sin. Perfectly righteous in every way. Yet his death was not an accident. He freely gave himself for us. He freely took on our sin. He freely paid our debt. He freely gives us his righteousness. By His grace we are adopted.
The cost of adoption is high, in every way. We chose open adoption. God chooses to adopt us. And I'm eternally grateful for all of it.
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