Failure and Devastation

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. - 2 Corinthians 4:6-7

Giving up the illusion of control is hard. Actually admitting that I'm not in control and that I'm ok with that is even harder. The real power for my success (and failure) does not belong to me. Oof.

Once we had everything squared away for our "special circumstances" and received my very expensive medications, the IVF process officially began. If you're not familiar with the long and complicated process, here's an abbreviated version. I did hormone shots for a month to produce multiple eggs then had the surgery to remove them (and for some unknown reason didn't get as many as they would normally expect). We used 2 fresh eggs for fertilization. I took more pills. They transferred 2 "average grade" embryos. I did more shots. And waited two more weeks.

Longest two weeks of my life that far. It really is some kind of sick biological joke that the symptoms of early pregnancy are also similar to many PMS symptoms. I tried to temper my excitement and expectations with facts and reality. I didn't really do a good job of that. How do you prepare yourself for something to fail that you worked so hard for and want so badly?

After two weeks, I went for the pregnancy blood test (and waited some more). It came back negative. I was devastated. And when my period came after stopping the shots? Again, devastated. There really are no words for that feeling. Failure. Devastation. They don't even begin to describe it.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3

Our second cycle was a transfer of one "perfect" embryo, the only one to come from all of my remaining frozen eggs. But again, the results were the same. Negative. Failure. Devastation. Despair. All compounded that second time because it was our last chance.

My plans and my dreams weren't just being unraveled; they were being shattered, to tiny microscopic pieces. I would never know how cute our genetic mini-me could be. I would never know what it is like to have another life growing inside me. We "wasted" years and tens of thousands of dollars to be back at square one.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. - Psalm 55:22

Devastation and despair marked the next months (and even years) of my life. Just deep, deep sadness. In the forefront or the background, it was always there. But not utter despair. Underneath it all, I still had my Savior. I had to fight so hard to bring him to the surface, but by God's grace and Holy Spirit He eventually came. He held me. He comforted me. He walked with me. Even when I couldn't feel it, he was there. I felt dead, but my faith wasn't. Which meant I was still alive in every sense of the word because of Jesus my keeper. I just didn't consciously recognize it at the time. This was my rock bottom.

Hitting rock bottom without a Savior would terrify me. Failure and devastation without a perfect rescuer would have undone me. In a sense, it still did (and not for the first time in my life). Because that's what I needed. Maybe you need it too. Maybe you've already been there. Maybe you haven't reached it yet and don't understand how you could sink any lower. You'll know when you get there. As sure as you'd know if you were drowning, you'll know, because you are drowning. But if you notice you're drowning not just in circumstances but also in your own sin, I encourage you to look for the Rescuer. Repent and believe and He will not only throw you the lifeline you need, he'll put you on it with all the security of God Almighty.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. - 1 Cor. 10:13

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. - Jeremiah 29:12-13

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 6:23

Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out. - Acts 3:19 

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. - Romans 10:9

Why was this happening to me? How was I supposed to bear it? What hope did I have left? What was I supposed to do now? Who was going to help me out of this pit? And so many more questions. But God and his everlasting abundant grace was the answer to each and every one.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you... So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. - 2 Cor. 4:8-12,16-18