An Open Letter
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. - Psalm 37:4-5
To those who are struggling,
I hope my last post came across as somewhat encouraging (and maybe a little challenging) for your walk of faith. Every once in a while I can really feel (and articulate) how God has worked in my life, but that doesn't mean I always feel or live that way (ha, I wish). I constantly need to meditate on the verse above and remember that the desires of my heart need to be God himself. His actions and gifts may not be what you'd expect. He may see that your shell needs to be emptied before it can be filled again. But what He will fill it with will be so much better. He may or may not change your situation, but he WILL change your perspective of it.
We really shouldn't compare spiritual journeys, but they can be humbling and inspiring if we look at them correctly. Whenever I'm tempted to judge someone else by how difficult (or not difficult) I perceive their spiritual walk to be in comparison with mine, I just remind myself that there's always so much that I don't know. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and God designs our trials accordingly. I often think of a young friend of mine who lost her husband to cancer shortly after their son was born. She was in a situation I can't even begin to imagine, but God has done so much for her and through her in the years that followed it's truly amazing. Her story is humbling and she's an incredible inspiration.
It is hard to interact with people who are unappreciative of the blessing of life/children they have been given. But it helps me to remind myself that I'm not always appreciative of what I've been given either. For example, I'm in good health but I am often insensitive (often without meaning to be) to others who aren't. I know how hard it is to try to be happy for friends being blessed with children and yet be so sad at the same time. It's like part of me is glad that they don't have to go through what I'm going through, but also sad that I have to go through it without anybody that knows the pain and struggle. I get it. (That's why I started this blog!)
While you wait on God, dear reader, I would encourage you to look for and enjoy the blessings you do have. Like time with your husband! I know my husband much better now than I did before, and we've learned to really enjoy each other's company. We were even able to do some great traveling together! Stay busy (without neglecting time for yourself) and stay in God's Word (for instruction, for conviction, and for inspiration). New hobbies are also great! I joined a Bible study, started crocheting, reading more, running, and singing with a ladies group at church. I've also learned over the years how to be a better wife to my husband (he would totally agree). If God hasn't called you to be a mother just yet, he has definitely already called you to be a wife, start there. Serve God where he has put you, it's not a mistake.
Sometimes there's nothing else to say about your struggles other than, it really sucks. And also, I'm praying for you! The decisions to be made are certainly many and difficult, especially after trying one thing for a while without success. It's hard to know (or not know) when to keep trying and fighting and when to move on. Like, I don't want to waste time fighting a battle that God doesn't mean for me to fight (been there done that), but I also don't want to be complacent and not do all I can to bring about His will (been there done that too). I get it.
There are a lot of "grey areas", and the answers never seem to be clear enough for me. Sometimes I just feel like throwing up my hands and wishing somebody else would do "it" for me (whatever "it" is because I don't even know anymore). Like one of those times where I feel like I need a Bible verse that says "Bethany, call 'this' person and say/do 'this'." I get it.
Infertility does change you. It's not that you're losing a part of who you are; I think it's more like losing a part of who you thought you'd be. And it's one of those things that has the potential to make you into someone you don't want to be. But that's why it's so important to stay close to God through it all, because only He can keep you from becoming that awful person you don't want to be. And only He can use it to do true good in your life (and in the lives of others). Repent. Believe his promises. Study his word. Pray.
I'm here for support if you need it. Comment or reach out privately. Don't be ashamed or afraid. We all need each other.
Sincerely for the glory of God,
Bethany
Comments
Post a Comment