Desires of the Heart

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him. - Psalm 37:39-40

I was still in my pit, desperately trying to climb my way out. I took refuge in my Savior, for a while. And then I got angry. Again all the questions of why this was happening to me, only now with a more sinister hint to my thoughts. They threatened to pull me back down into the abyss. Didn't God care about my suffering? He is sovereign so why was he doing this to me? How could a good God let this happen?

Sound familiar? Such common questions. But I was forgetting again that I'm not the center of the universe. Suffering is a guarantee for Christians walking the path of life in obedience to God's word. Intellectually I knew that. I needed to ask myself: How do I measure what is good? Can suffering be good? Suffering exists because of sin, whether internal or external. However, it is often the very instrument God uses to show us his goodness and mercy. I was angry at the wrong things.

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land. - Psalm 37:8-9

So once again God put me in my place and humbled me by showing me my sin. My anger was not righteous anger; I was mad at God for putting me through so much, leading me to hope only to deny my heart's desire. Although we took great care in our decisions and trying to pursue IVF in a righteous way, I realized I did it from an unrighteous heart. I wasn't really concerned as much about respecting the sanctity of life as I wanted to circumvent God's sovereignty.

What we chose was not wrong, but why I chose it was. My heart's true desire was to have a child of my own, which in itself is a good thing, but not when that desire was more than my desire for God. God showed me that I had made an idol of children, of motherhood. I coveted what others had been blessed with simply because I had not, and I was ungrateful for all that I did have.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. - Psalm 37:4-5

Who am I to be angry at the God who has given me life, who gave His Son for me? Has he not spared me and given me more blessings than I could ever deserve? Who am I to think that my control and my decisions are better than God's sovereign wisdom? Why would I put my hope in men and science when the only true and sure hope is in God?

He is the Creator and Life-giver, not man. Praise God my despair was not absolute, I do have hope because He has given ME life. More than ever he was teaching me to trust him: He does know my heart, He does love me, He does care for me, and that is precisely why he chose this path for me. I needed this to realize my hope and desire were focused on the wrong things. My pride and selfishness were running rampant. I needed to delight in HIM and commit my ways to HIM.

The steps of man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. - Psalm 37:23-24

Why would he trust me to raise a child in the fear and admonition of His Name if I was not fearing Him, being selfish and disobedient myself? He has shown me so much of his grace: in his forgiveness (unto salvation as well as again and again), in his provision (so many blessings I was blind to), in his patience and long-suffering with my rebellious heart (have I mentioned I'm a slow learner?). No matter how many times I stumble and fall, He will always be there to uphold me and show me the way.

I was reminded again that His time is not like our time. The years I thought I had "wasted" were actually more profitable for my sanctification than any previous time in my life. His grace and strength are truly inexhaustible and that truth is a wellspring I am privileged to draw from time and time again. In His Word, He has proven himself faithful and trustworthy. And He has promised that He is working for His glory AND my ultimate good according to HIS purposes.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

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