Selfish Decisions

“Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. You looked for much, and behold, it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? declares the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house." - Haggai 1:7,9

The time and context of the above verse is vastly different than my own, but the principle is the same. The Lord's house, His temple in me, was being steadily ignored while I busied myself with my own practices and desires. Such labors are in vain, and I ought to have known better. (Ps. 127:1) But I didn't, and so here is another reason why this trial was necessary for me.

After much careful research, prayer, and debate, we decided to try a "modified" version of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Some part of me still blamed my husband, and that made me feel like I manipulated him into choosing IVF. But who cares right? I needed to be in control and I needed to DO something. I told him "there was no way I could love someone else's child as my own" (I'll get to that later).

He was part of the research, prayer, and debate too and ultimately came up with the same decision. These were just my feelings and reflections at the time. But I still cringe with shame at the true colors of selfishness that came out in me. I needed to cry out in prayer: "Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain!" (Ps. 119:36) But I didn't. It took a lot more painful growing before that happened.

In hindsight, I don't know that IVF was the right decision for us. Perhaps it was just another way to fight God's plan, but I also think God knew that we needed to go through it to learn all he had to teach us. I could never rest if I didn't know we had tried absolutely everything there was for us to try. My faith wasn't yet strong enough to be content just to rest in my Savior. As I'm sure you're gathering, I'm no Apostle Paul (Phil.4:11).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. - Matthew 11:28-30

Although I did feel like I was manipulating my husband into that decision at one point, ultimately, I told him I would submit to whatever decision he made (Eph. 5:22). It was one of the hardest situations I've ever had in which to uphold my vows: to love, honor, and obey. By the grace of God I did, although I'm not sure what I would have done if he had made a different decision. My selfishness ran deep indeed. I was really just seeking my own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. (Phil. 2:21)

So, together we chose to try IVF, and I was once again hopeful. There was still a chance that we would get to see the cuteness of our combined genetics. In the back of my mind there was always the question, "What if it doesn't work?" -- but that didn't really matter because I just "knew" it would work and we were going to be biological parents. It was our right. Right?

It took a while to gather information and choose a doctor. At this point we were still dragging our feet a little, thinking maybe God would change his mind. Despite the near impossible chances of us getting pregnant naturally, I could never quite give up on the fact that I don't know the mind of God, and if he chose, he could still do it that way. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts than my thoughts (Isa. 55:9). Hence why many years later, although I'm more ok with it now, there's still always at least a vague sense of disappointment every month.

This trial isn't just something to get through during a specific time of my life. It will never fully go away. It will always be with me. There is still a time aspect to it though, and I do wish we wouldn't have wasted so much time in this phase. But it's not just about the destination, it's about the journey. I strive toward my destination and also hope in the God of my salvation to sustain me through the journey.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. - Philippians 3:12-16