Time
Time really does help. When the emotions and wounds are no longer fresh, it lends more clarity to a situation. It wasn't as difficult or painful as I thought it would be writing about our infertility struggles. But I also do want to continue to share where this journey has taken us. Because that chapter did end (in a way). The label, the experience, the struggle, the growing, will always be with me. But it changes over time.
As I move into the adoption part of our story, the part that's still being written, it's likely to be a little less "put together." (Brace yourselves.😆) The closer in time I get to talking about our current situation, I think the harder it will be. But I'm still going for being encouraging through the strength of Christ!
Despite my revelation that I needed to delight in the Lord to receive the desires of my heart, I didn't just suddenly get everything I wanted. That's not how it works. I desired more of God, and that's what I got. Nothing more. Nothing less. And I was grateful. THAT was really what I needed.
It took us a little while to recover from the loss of our embryos, and our dreams. We needed time to grieve. We weren't really sure what to do or where to go next. But adoption was really the only other option, so we figured that must be where God was leading us. I didn't really feel ready for that; I was afraid. How could I love someone else's child as my own? Will that child love me?
But we trudged ahead in faith, did some research on different local adoption agencies, and made our choice. The paperwork took forever. So. Much. Paperwork. I think it took us close to a year to get everything we needed. I remember being super nervous for the home study, cleaning and vacuuming like crazy. But it was actually pretty easy. Our case worker was experienced and nice. She was also a Christian, which helped a lot and was a major reason why we chose the agency we did.
I have a horrible memory. I forget things so easily unless there are visual clues or something to spark it. That was one of the hardest parts, remembering everything they needed to know. The questions were really in depth and personal. And many times I simply just couldn't remember things like what my 9 year old self thought of my parents' relationship or how they handled discipline. Like, why do I need to be examined this thoroughly in order for someone else to decide if I'm fit to be a parent?
Then our birthparent letter and profile book took forever to put together. We had a hard time writing the letter because we weren't sure how to express ourselves, our entire lives, in a short letter. We wanted it to be compassionate and non-judgmental, but also to clearly convey our desire for a family without seeming desperate or pleading. And it needed to be different enough to catch someone's eye, distinguishing us from so many other prospective adoptive families. Were we different or special? I really didn't think so but we had to try to stand out somehow anyway.
We also had a hard time coming up with pictures for our profile book that told the story of who we are as a couple and about our relationships with friends and family. One piece of advice that might be useful in many different situations: take pictures (that aren't just selfies) of everyday moments. You never know when you might want or need them. Can you tell the detailed story of your life in less than 40 pictures?
Many of the other factors and scenarios we had to consider were hard too, like things relating to the birthmother's health and history, age and race, openness, etc. So many questions, each one requiring much thought, sometimes detailed research, and always fervent prayer. But after all that was finally done, and we completed some additional training, we were officially approved and active as a "waiting family" in December 2014.
I just want to draw attention to that date for a second. If you've read our story from the beginning, this is now 8 1/2 years into our marriage and 6 1/2 years from the time we decided we were ready to start a family. Amidst our uncertainty and fear for what the future would look like, we were still excited to finally be moving forward after such a long and difficult road. What I didn't know then was that, compared to the time ahead, those 6 1/2 years had actually flown by.
Time. God's time is not like our time. I knew that now. Yet in a very real and practical sense, we were racing a clock. We still are. I never wanted to be an "old mom" but at some point, simply because of our age, it will be impractical or irresponsible to adopt a baby. (Yes, there are other options. Don't worry, I'll get there. Eventually.) However, regardless of my personal world clock (real or imagined), my hope and trust could still be and still is in the God of time. He knows my days are numbered better than I do. He knows it down to the very nanosecond.
When I think about how much easier it is for me as a teacher to plan lessons or activities within a given time period than it is to come up with things as I go for an indefinite period of time, I'm even more comforted. Who better to plan my time than the God who created it? Who better than the God who knows, who designed and ordained every second of it for my good and his glory?
So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. - Psalm 90:12
But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand. - Psalm 31:14
Comments
Post a Comment