Lessons in Waiting

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! - Psalm 27:13-14

And then we waited. And waited. And waited. We got our clearances and fingerprints and physicals renewed every year. We changed different aspects of our profile a few times as we learned and understood more about the process, especially about the openness of adoption that is the current trend. We grew and changed a lot since first starting the adoption process. But we were still just waiting.

And honestly it was very, very frustrating. It's difficult, and complicated, and expensive, and takes so much time. Why? Don't we always hear about the mass amounts of kids needing families? And about the opiate crisis flooding hospitals with addicted newborns that need a good home? We're a good home! Why is this taking so long?? I don't know, but it's frustrating.

The average adoption wait time with our agency was 2 years. To put the waiting into perspective, when you're desperately seeking your own family, every month is like torture. Each week, each day, comes and goes without anything to show for it. Nothing has come up. Nothing has been done. And this was our reality for 5 years.

But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7

We had several specific birth mothers look at our profile. Each time was excruciating waiting to hear if they picked us or not. We submitted our profile for every situation that didn't seem dangerous, but there weren't really that many opportunities to begin with. When we were finally chosen and matched after 2 years of waiting, we were on cloud 9.

We only had a few short weeks to prepare, so we told a few close family members who helped get us the bare minimum of supplies we needed. Car seat, pack n play, some clothes, diapers, bottles. We met the birth mother, "Rebecca", and although her situation was a little risky for us in terms of what she wanted, we were just so nervous and excited to be chosen that nothing could bring us down.

We were ready. I was doing the last laundry load of blankets and baby clothes when I got the call. "Rebecca" had had her baby boy. She named him "Everett" and decided she was going to parent him herself after all... We had known this was a possibility, but the reality of it was so much more heartbreaking than expected. Obviously we had dealt with disappointment and heartbreak before. But something about this was different. There was an actual real live baby that existed who was going to be my son but suddenly wasn't. The end of that story. Emptiness. So now what? We're just supposed to go back to waiting like nothing has changed? Yep.

But we couldn't. Because something had changed. We had a lot to work through emotionally. Telling our family what had happened wasn't my favorite thing. There was a lot of snot crying and moping. And more praying. We started looking into other alternatives because we HAD to do something. We looked into other agencies as well as the possibilities of fostering and international adoption. We became a certified "safe family" for temporary respite care for children from families in crisis. Our home study would be expiring soon, so we needed to pay to get that updated. But it's all just so frustrating. Have I mentioned that it's frustrating??

Despite that, and the heartbreak and uncertainty, the complexity and the time and money, I'm thankful for how much I've grown through the process. Truly, God does know what he's doing. I've learned that I am selfish, often self-centered and self-serving, and prideful. I've often criticized other parents (good parents), thinking I could do so much better. I've found ways to actually boast about being able to afford everything in this long process. Seriously? Yep. My sin was still abounding. But changing, because now my prayers were not just pleading with God for a child, but prayers of repentance and thanksgiving for His providential care and adoration for the Mighty God he is.

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. - Lam. 3:25

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. - 2 Peter 3:9

I have also learned that openness in adoption isn't as ridiculous of a notion as I originally thought. (I'll do more detailed posts on this later.) Even while we waited for our match to be official, I realized that after meeting "Rebecca" if she decided to keep her baby that that's what I wanted too. She was his mother and had the right to make the decision that was right for her and for him. And even though we never got to meet "Everett" and didn't get to come home with a baby, and don't have any more contact with "Rebecca", I still hope they are doing well.

I've learned what real love is and can be, how far it can stretch even in this world. That God's love is perfect, it's real, and it is the source of mine. He loved me enough to adopt me through the death of His Son; I can certainly love a stranger going through difficult times or a child in need of a safe home, even when things don't go as I wish. I can love my husband. And when there's no one else, I can love my God unconditionally.

I've learned to trust God in His sovereignty. I know I've said this a million times before. But it's really the most comforting doctrine to me. Have you ever gone through a stage in life where you can just feel how much God is sanctifying you? I can see now how, over the years, He worked so many things for my good. He is the master potter and I am the clay in his hands. He knows what he's doing.

I've learned I need to use the grace he gives me for His glory rather than my own. That His strength is sufficient, and inexhaustible, and beyond any other. I needed these lessons, and so I truly believe that His timing is perfect. Do I wish we would have done some things differently? Absolutely. But I want what He wants; my will is His Will. So we were not waiting for just any baby; we were waiting for the child God had for us. We wait on Him.

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. - Psalm 33:20-22

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. - Psalm 25:4-5