For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. - 2 Timothy 1:7
Fearful, frustrated, useless, hopeful, impatient, comfortable, courageous, brave, scared, anxious, selfless, compassionate, desperate, convicted, selfish, generous, thankful, renewed, worried, insecure, distracted, useful, guilty, sad, tired, excited, depressed, lonely, secure, confident, peaceful, overwhelmed. This post contains all these emotions, and more.
Our adoption saga goes on as our emotions are tossed to and fro like the waves of the sea. I still needed to learn to use God's spirit of power to exercise self-control over my emotions. I didn't really get the full lesson here, not yet, but if you've read our whole story thus far you might notice certain patterns repeating themselves. They often do in life. The trick is remembering the spirit God has placed in me and exercising it.
After our first match fell through and then waiting a few more years, we decided to start working with another adoption agency along with our original agency, which really just helped me feel better about our situation. It meant a whole lot more money but also a lot more exposure. I knew God would bring us the perfect situation and send us the child he had for us in his time, but I also wanted to do everything in my power to "clear the way" so to speak.
So we did a bunch of paperwork, and took out a loan. We started updating a new profile, which helped remind me of all the fun stuff we'd done in the three years since our first one was made. It wasn't wasted time! We were just really looking forward to hopefully being presented to more prospective birthparents. After years of nothing happening (again), we needed something new.
We also decided we wanted to try providing some respite care for struggling families through our local Safe Families for Children program. Something that we still volunteer for to this day. I was super scared and anxious about it but glad to be doing something "motherly" and helping out families in need. Because I really just needed to DO SOMETHING. I had motherly instincts and space in my home that I desperately wanted to use.
I was convicted that being pro-life shouldn't just be about being against abortion, but that it should also be about helping and supporting those people who chose life even though they knew it would be hard. Regardless of where they come from or how they come to be, every child needs love, safety, direction, and discipline. So really, they just need our unconditional biblical love. Although, I admit sometimes I've still been too selfish for that.
When parents have children naturally, unconditional love just happens most of the time. And once we finally did adopt our son, it happened for us too. But the step to actually make the conscious decision to commit to unconditionally love someone else's child that I hadn't even met, was more difficult than I expected. It really showed me just how selfish and stuck in my comfort zone I was. But I thought about how generally lovable children are compared to how unlovable I am without Christ, and he loved us and came to redeem us anyway! How could I not try to give back that same love to a child?
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us... For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. - Romans 5:8,10
Once we were connected to the new network, we started receiving more exposure and birthmother situations to submit our profile for (at least once a week), which was more than we had ever had the opportunity to submit for through our original agency. But we were still just waiting for someone to say yes to us. It sort of starts to give you a complex or something. Why wouldn't everyone who saw our profile think we would be perfect parents for their child? What's wrong with us? Would anyone ever choose us?
Shortly after joining the new agency's network, I ended up being unexpectedly busy, which kept me sufficiently distracted from myself and our never-ending "situation". I ended up working as a full time substitute teacher for half the school year, which involved a lot of overtime. That also prevented us from doing any respite care during that time, but that didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. I was just glad for a distraction that also helped me feel useful.
Then we had an incident with our beloved dog where he bit our 1 yr old nephew while I was babysitting him. It wasn't that serious but still traumatic, for me at least. So we had to re-home him, which was really hard in so many ways, but necessary if we wanted our home to be safe for all children who might enter it. All of that sucked up a lot of time and energy.
My emotions were all over the place. The same day the incident with my dog and nephew happened, we got a call from our new adoption agency saying that we had been chosen by a birthmother! What?!? Talk about emotional overload. I didn't even know how to begin to process that many different emotions at once.
By this time the holidays were almost upon us again and as usual somewhat depressing, especially with everyone else's children around. I would once again be "the flexible one" in all the event planning because I wasn't restricted by nap times or feeding schedules. Even with family around I often felt lonely, without a "family of my own". It's a strange feeling to feel so lonely with my husband and so many other family members close by. But there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel! Next year would be different. We had our secret adoption match!
We were definitely excited, but more cautious than before since we knew all too well the roller coaster and crash that comes from being unprepared for failure. We'd learned so much and come so far. I knew God is good and trustworthy. I had seen Him work. This was it. Finally.
Remember this and stand firm,
recall it to mind, you transgressors,
remember the former things of old;
for I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me,
declaring the end from the beginning
and from ancient times things not yet done,
...
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed, and I will do it.
- Isaiah 46:8-11
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