Contrast: Emotions and Faith - Part 1

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. - 2 Peter 3:9

I'm going to switch gears a little bit for this post because I want to highlight a contrast in emotions and to show how making use of God's grace and trusting him in all circumstances played out for me. Faith can absolutely be shaken to its foundations, but true faith is kept by God himself and He will never let it fail. 

At the time of our second adoption match, I wrote an email to a friend of mine, whom I had been supporting through infertility struggles using my own experiences. 

This is the email I wrote to her at that time:

"We were matched in mid October and are expecting to meet our daughter when she's born next week! The birth mother and father are amazing people. We have talked to them on the phone, emailed back and forth, and just met them last week. And her family is very supportive. Totally different situation than the last time we were matched. 

Even so, we actually haven't told our family yet, just because of how hard that made things last time when it fell through. It should make for a spectacular surprise. We're trying to keep ourselves in check, but we're pretty confident that this situation is going to work out so we're really really excited to say the least (and nervous). I'm having a hard time trusting the Lord, afraid that this may not be his will. But at the same time I'm so thankful that I can't help but praise him for his faithfulness and hearing our prayers.

Without getting too detailed, the birthmother is being induced early (36 weeks) due to a complication with her liver (not the baby's). The baby will probably spend some time (hopefully short) in the NICU from being early and also addicted to methadone. Please pray for a safe delivery, as well as her development and minimal withdrawal. Please also pray for salvation and peace for the birth family, and for God's grace and love to comfort them as well.

So, we have our new year's party to plan, but also secretly getting ready to travel across the state to be there when our daughter (we've decided to name her Madelyn Mae) is born and live out of a hotel for however long she's in the NICU. Please pray for safety and our sanity! We've had a lot a of stressful things happen these past few months, but they've been filled with God's grace and so much hope as well. Our journey isn't over (and really won't truly ever be), but I hope this seemingly bright light visible through a very long tunnel for us offers you some hope and encouragement as well."

Notice the excitement, hope, compassion, trust, and praise.

 

Here is the next email I wrote only about a week later:

"So... things did not work out as we hoped, again. This birthmother was very unexpectedly persuaded by her grandmother (who currently has custody of her youngest other daughter) to try to parent, probably meaning that the grandmother assumed custody of the baby.

Everything was a complete mess, and a waste of more time and more money. We're not rich, and we're not getting any younger. We were very disappointed in how the birthparents chose to handle the situation, like children hiding from difficult choices and conversations rather than like adults. Apparently we had misjudged their character. They refused to talk to us or anyone from the agency, so most of my information came through the filter of an inexperienced, unsympathetic, unkind temporary social worker at the hospital. I'll spare you any more of the ridiculous details. The end result is the same. I'm still childless.

This time, I'm angry. Not to mention of course completely broken in heart and spirit. I just want to be a mother. Why is this so difficult?? I have (had?) love to give but no one to give it to. I'm not sure where we'll go from here, I don't know how much more of this I can take. When is enough, enough? Is God severely disciplining me, or just trying to tell me this isn't his plan? I don't know.

I know the theologically correct things to say to comfort myself, how I should feel and what I should do spiritually, but I can't. Not right now. I'm lost. I'm living in a life of a broken record, doomed to repeat every part of this very long trial over and over again.

What am I supposed to do with my life, in a practical way? The hours at my job have steadily been dwindling, I can't even pretend my pets are my children anymore since most of them are gone as well. Here I am again, putting away baby supplies, once again nothing has changed. So much preparation and stress and secrecy, for nothing.

I can feel myself becoming bitter, numb, hardened, uncaring. I need something productive to do, but I don't feel like doing anything. Anyway, I don't want to wallow in self-pity, and I don't want anyone else's pity either. I just wanted to vent a little and give you an update since you are one of the few people we told (and the only person I know who can even sort of relate). Sorry this is such a depressing email. I still need some processing time, maybe I'll have something more encouraging next time. Thanks for listening and for your prayers."

Notice the anger, bitterness, maliciousness, self-pity, mistrust, and blaming. 

Resolution to come. In the mean time, I mulled over these (and other) passages:

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

- Philippians 2:1-11


Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible... And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him... These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city... And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated— of whom the world was not worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us. 

- Hebrews 11:1-3,6,13-16,32-40