Contrast: Emotions and Faith - Part 2

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

Excitement, hope, compassion, trust, praise. Anger, bitterness, maliciousness, self-pity, mistrust, blaming. Such a range of completely opposite emotions, all in the span of a short time. So what caused such a contrast? Was it just a good circumstance vs a bad one? Was it faithfulness vs faithlessness? No. It was me, shifting the object of my faith.

I was being faithful to the wrong things. I had been slowly shifting my faith back to myself and my pursuit of motherhood, relying on my circumstances to give me direction and purpose in my life. Everything I needed to do and be was focused on motherhood instead of following Christ. I had once again lost sight of who God is. In the moment, I had forgotten. He is good. He is faithful. He is sovereign. He is mighty. He is merciful. He is loving. The question to myself was: Do I truly believe God is all of these things? Is God who he says he is?

"He says no in order that he may, in some way we cannot imagine, say yes. All his ways with us are merciful. His meaning is always love." - Elisabeth Elliot

Reflecting back on the passages from Philippians 2 and Hebrews 11, as well as the psalm above, helped me to put everything in it's proper perspective. I see just how great and mighty God is in creation and in his sovereign care throughout all history. He accomplished all that he had purposed to do. He chose to use people (like me) to accomplish those very purposes. He used terrible circumstances (so much worse than mine) in their lives to show that faith in Him is not misplaced. I see how small I am, and yet God still loves and cares for me. I see how humble and merciful Christ is, to be God in glory and yet leave it to come and die in mockery and shame, for me. I see how selfish and hard-hearted I am to use my emotions and circumstances as an excuse for sin and unbelief.

My emotions are part of who I am, but they do not and cannot define me or my faith. Faith and emotions are not the same thing. God is not just good when things are going well for me and I feel good about how he is blessing my life. No. God is good all the time. That's who he is. Even when I feel sad or discontent or lacking some blessing, God is still good. He does not change and is worthy of all praise, worship, honor, and glory.

I read this quote in my devotions recently and it perfectly describes what I was struggling with:

"Even if our outward circumstances never change, our relationship to Christ changes who we are and what we are able to do where we are. Thus, we should aim for contentment. It is ok to want and to seek a change of our circumstances, but we cannot obsess about it or make it our chief aim. Our goal should be to serve Jesus right now wherever we are." - Ligonier Ministries, Inc., Tabletalk March 2021: The Christian Ethic

Moments of self pity will happen, but be careful not to take up residence there. Remember, if you are God's child, he isn't doing this to punish you. He's doing it to grow you closer to Him, to show you how to trust him more and love him more and glorify him more. He would still use me. I could still serve him, even childless.

He chooses different trials for everyone to bear, some more obvious than others. Everyone thinks their particular trial is unfair or harder than others. But from God's perspective they are all the same. They are exactly what each of us needs to grow closer to Him and glorify Him. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need better than I do. And that can be very encouraging if you make that your focus. It's ridiculously hard, and sometimes downright impossible. But if you can periodically get your mind outside of yourself and your situation and look at the bigger picture, it really does help.

"To love God is to love His will. It is to be content with His timing and wise appointment." - Elisabeth Elliot

I eventually found that each time I suffered, the quicker I was to fix my eyes on God (instead of myself or circumstances) and turn to him for all I needed, and the better equipped I felt to handle the situation in a godly way. I ended up feeling more blessed and thankful than "victimized" or shamed. We had a 4 hour drive home from the hospital of our second adoption failure, and I remember bawling my eyes out in prayer for about half that time. Then I looked over at my husband driving and said, "Ok, so what do we do next?" God's grace was sufficient for me; I just needed to grab hold and use it. His grace is sufficient for you as well. God really is good all the time.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9