Barren and Blessed

Now that the base story is told, it's time to move into some adoption talk. Starting with an intro to open adoption because I want everyone to know how amazing Zachary's birthmother is. It took me a long time to start sharing about our open adoption journey because sometimes it takes time to make complicated situations and relationships simple enough to share. But we're now 5 years in and I wouldn't have it any other way. Adoption stories can and will look immeasurably different for everyone. They're all hard because they're all a result of sin in the world. Some are straightforward. Some are messy. Some are tragic. Some are joyful. There's a whole spectrum of details in the relationships of open adoption. Any combination of pictures, letters, texts, phone calls, facetime, visits, direct contact, indirect contact, and more. Relationships can be anything from minimal and highly structured and guarded to babysitting and inviting each other over for family gath

We finally have our baby boy. He's home. With us. But it's also not that simple.  Both of his birth parents signed their consents, but the first 30 days afterward is, by law, their revocation period. A time in which they can change their minds for any reason and take him back, no questions asked and no way to fight it. We prayed and prayed and prayed that this little boy would indeed be our son. So. Much. Tension.  And let me just tell you, 30 days is a looong time. I had waited 10 years to become a mom; you would think I'd have learned how to wait. There are so many more facets to patience than I realized. But once again, the Lord provided all I needed. There's always room to learn to lean on God MORE. Being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy. - Col. 1:11 Less than two weeks in, I had to face my first Mother's Day. Previously known as "the worst day of the year". I have mixed feelings abou

Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul. I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me! - Psalm 66:16-20 2 days later, a text at 4:30am from our caseworker: "Zachary is here!" We had previously been to an ultrasound appointment where we got to hear his heartbeat. His birthmother was gracious enough to allow us to name him. And now it was time to actually meet him, face to face. We had a 2 hour drive ahead of us, which was both too little and too much time. Extra excitement. Extra nerves. I remember literally nothing from our drive to the hospital. It's a black hole that only God knows what I thought about or talked about with my husband. I imagine we prayed a whole bunch. We chec

When you don't know what to do, do the thing in front of you. Sometimes life is so hard you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is, just do the next thing. God will meet you there. - Elisabeth Elliot After we got home from the trip of our second adoption match failure, we just carried on, by God's grace. We did the next thing. We prayed. We went to work. We submitted our profile for more potential adoption situations. We prayed. We cleaned and did laundry. We went on dates. We worshiped. We prayed some more. Life went on. We fixed our eyes on Christ and continued to serve God where we were. And strangely I felt mostly peace, right when I didn't think that was possible. It was a peace that surpassed all understanding. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.   Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;   do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. 139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” 12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light wi

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.  - 2 Peter 3:9 I'm going to switch gears a little bit for this post because I want to highlight a contrast in emotions and to show how making use of God's grace and trusting him in all circumstances played out for me. Faith can absolutely be shaken to its foundations, but true faith is kept by God himself and He will never let it fail.  At the time of our second adoption match, I wrote an email to a friend of mine, whom I had been supporting through infertility struggles using my own experiences.  This is the email I wrote to her at that time: "We were matched in mid October and are expecting to meet our daughter when she's born next week! The birth mother and father are amazing people. We have talked to them on the phone, emailed back and forth, and just met them last week. And her family is very suppo